Good afternoon everyone! So I mentioned in a previous blog that I would explain why I have had such a hard time talking about my struggles as the companion of depression.. so here it is.
As always, read with an open mind and remember what this blog is about as to not take offense to anything I say. Also as a side note.. I have had quite a few people approach me and open up about their own struggles with depression and that this blog has already helped them realize what those around them go through.. so I would like to take a moment to honestly thank those individuals. I know how much courage it take to admit you suffer from depression and it means the world to me that you trust me enough to open up about your struggle and share your darkest moments with me.
In the same notion, I have had others approach me and tell me that they are like me, a companion to depression and that this blog has helped them feel not so alone and even have the courage to speak out to their loved ones. And that also means the world to me. It's an amazing feeling to know that this blog is doing good for not only me, but others as well. so THANK YOU for all the support, you guys are awesome.
Now to begin.
Who do I talk to?
As I mentioned, I am surrounded by depression. Most of my closest friends and family suffer from either chronic/suicidal depression or have gone through situational depression recently. I am not close with that many people, so this basically encompasses everyone that I would feel comfortable talking too. So in a sense, I have always felt alone in my struggles. I know this is not true, I know there are people I could have talked to but didn't for various reasons (to be explained later).
If you have a fight with your significant other... we obviously do not turn to said significant other to bitch about and, in a sense, talk shit about our significant other. That's how I feel when it comes to talking about my problems regarding depression (obviously I do not consider what I am doing talking shit, but you know what I mean). How do you approach the person that is the cause of your pain to talk about that pain?
Approaching them is not easy. I do not want to add more pain to the pain they are already living in. As mentioned in a previous blog, I also do not want them to think they are too much of a burden and stop coming to me. It is never that the person is too much of a burden.. but it is still hard and there is no guarantee that the person will be exactly ready and willing to hear what I have to say. It is never easy hearing that you inadvertently hurt someone you love and most of us become defensive because we feel attacked. This is a completely natural reaction and eventually subsides, allowing for open and honest communication (as I have learned from this blog, but before this.. I didn't know that because I was never brave enough to try)
So because of this... I have felt that I could not approach anyone. That I had to deal with these issues on my own in order to keep the peace (which is obviously wrong)
Those I can talk too
Now for the people in my life who do not suffer from depression. Many of my friends have gently tried to push and persuade me to open up and each time, I basically shoot them down and change the subject. And I know this is not fair because my friends are AMAZING and all of them have been my friend for over a decade (or two) and deserve my honesty and trust. I do not close them out because I don't trust them, it is because I know they will have no idea what to say.
Depression is a weird topic to discuss and there is nothing my friends can do to make it better. There is really no advice to give. While I know that just having someone listen can be enough, I am the type of person that likes to figure out a solution to my problems, become okay with the issue, and then I will talk to my friends about it in a basically logical, non-emotional fashion. This doesn't work with depression because there is no be-all, end-all solution. It is a continuous struggle and I have a hard time being emotional and showing vulnerability to my friends (nothing they did or anything, its just how I am).
And one of the last things I want to do is delve into details. I don't want to tell you where they cut themselves, how bad, how they tried to kill themselves, or what they said as a goodbye before a suicide attempt. I just don't. Its awkward, it hurts and I do not want to relive those memories and think of it every time I see your face. I know its natural curiosity to ask and there is really nothing else to say but get more details.. but I hate it.
It's not just my secret
This is by far the #1 reason that I keep my mouth shut. Unlike all my other secrets and heartaches that I share with my friends and loved ones... this isn't just my secret. When you talk about how someone else's depression effects you, you are also giving away information about the person who is depressed. And I don't believe that this information is mine to give away.
In society today, there is still a lot of stigma around depression and people are almost forced to be "ashamed" for the fact that they are depressed (which is BULLSHIT by the way). Nevertheless, that's how our culture still is even though depression has been a proven disease.. in the DSM and everything. Most mental disorders have this same stigma. So how do I know that my depressed loved ones are comfortable knowing that my best friends knows they are depressed, or about their self-harm tendencies, or their suicide attempts. That's why I try to keep any information I give out to a bare minimum because this is not just my life that I am opening up to the world... it is my depressed loved ones, their families, their spouses.
When it comes to depression being within a family.. it gets particularly hard. Because then it is not only my secret and the depressed person's secret... it becomes a family secret. It is something that the family privately goes through together. So lets say the person struggling with depression is open about their depression.. how do I know that my other family members are okay with my friends knowing what we go through? Again... it is all because of this stupid stigmatism that you should be ashamed of or blamed for your depression (add in a bunch of angry swear words here to show how much I loathe this).
If society would start treating mental disorders as they treat most other illnesses... there wouldn't be a need for me to have to hide behind a computer screen to say what I wanted to say. And the people suffering from depression would most likely get more and better help and have more people they could confide in. So lets work on that okay?
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