So lets begin by saying the one thing I have always had trouble saying. okay.. here we go..
You are Selfish
There. I said it. Now let me explain before I get a bunch of hate comments. I am fully aware that a diagnosis of depression is basically saying that you are forced to be selfish. To quote a good friend of mine (who has been on both sides of depression), "The problem with depression is that it is entirely self-centered. It's hard to see outside of the haze of hell in your own head to realize that your actions and outbursts affect other people". And I think that sums it up nicely.
As your faithful companions, we UNDERSTAND why you are selfish and that most of the time, it is completely unintentional and you are not aware of it. That does not change the fact that it fucking hurts. For me, I try my damndest to put myself in your shoes and not take it personally. As with most things, that is a lot easier said than done.
My unqualified advice? You have NO IDEA how much of a difference it makes if you simply ask how we are. And let us answer. Let us talk about our problems without throwing the "Yeah well, at least you don't have this, that and other thing!" and basically belittle our problems simply because we do not suffer from depression. Hell... I definitely do not suffer from depression but my laundry list of problems and heartaches deserves attention when I need to vent. Every once in a while.. give us a chance to talk or even just talk about something else besides your struggle with depression. I swear to you it feels like a vacation every time.
Moving on..
Be Patient with us
We are expected to patient and understanding with you, and I feel we deserve the same back. I promise we are trying our HARDEST to do what we can for you. The honest truth though? We have no idea what we are doing. We do not know the right thing to say or do.. do we push to make you open up more or take a step back and let you have your space? We are not experts or doctors.. we are your friend, family, lover, teammate, whatever it may be. So if we say the wrong thing or miss something important - please try to keep in mind that it is not intentional and never personal.
Similarly, my least favorite snide remark from my depressed loved ones - "You just don't understand what I'm going through". Yeah no fucking shit Sherlock. I have no idea. Why? BECAUSE I'M NOT DEPRESSED! Do I know what sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, even despair feel like? Damn right I do. Do I know what it is like to live in a constant state of all those at once? Nope. No idea. Not the slightest clue. Yet you are holding that against me? I can empathize and logically think it through to try to imagine what you are going through and I know how this can be frustrating to you. But its not our fault. Nor is it yours. So how about we meet in the middle? Let's be patient with each other. Help us help you. We are not mind-readers and may need a nudge in the right direction to being the support you need.
"Fine, I won't come to you anymore if its too much of a burden"
Every time I hear a variation of this, I want to take the nearest sharp object and shove it through my heart so I can physically show you how much this KILLS me. This is part of the reason for my vow of silence. Whenever we try to bring up how your depression hurts us, you retreat or get angry. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut (up until now).
Just because we express that something hurts us, doesn't mean we want you to stop coming to us. I know that I am extremely happy that so many of my loved ones confide in me and feel comfortable showing me their darkest moments. I never want that to end as long as they are still battling this bitch known as depression. Especially when handling the suicidal aspect of this, my body goes into full panic mode when someone retreats. Because god forbid anything happens, I will feel like I could have helped but wasn't allowed to because I opened my big, fat stupid mouth.
See the dilemma? I want to be there for you, always, at every second. But I am also a human being with feelings and when a loved one talks about offing themselves - well I'm going to be affected. Please don't take that as I don't want to hear it - I do (that sounds messed up, but if it helps you.. I want to hear it). Just sometimes, I might need a minute to collect myself so I can look you in the eye and be the soldier you need me to be. This goes back to the top part - if we want to tell you how it makes us feel, please let us and not feel like you can't come to us. We listen to you to the best of our ability.. try to do the same to us. If it hurts you, we don't mean to.. just like you don't mean to hurt us.
Maybe this is me being selfish in thinking this way. But this is my reality.
To recap - Be patient. Try to see our point of view sometimes. and NEVER close yourself off from us to try to save us any heart ache because trust me.. you are only creating more.
To end on a brighter note.. This is my cat Mia all up in my grill while I tried to write this post. She was demanding attention and seeing as I'm a crazy cat lady, I will probably periodically share photos of my three furry children.
You want honesty, well here it is world...Selfish? Seriously??? The "non-depressed" world has no idea how we feel. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. We have a chemical imbalance we can't control. Think I'm not trying to get better. It is different for every depressed person. Do you know how long I've been seeing a Dr and therapist, the meds I've been on, the hospitalizations I've endured. Nothing has truly worked. On top of that, do you think it's helpful when people say "But you have a wonderful family, a nice house, blah...blah...blah. It's one of the worst things you can say. As I said, we have no control. Patience?? It's a 2 way street. Don't ask how we feel, then not be honest with us because you don't want to burden us. I have gone above and beyond to help people when they do ask. It helps take the focus on myself. We're not stupid, we know when you're sugar coating things to avoid upsetting us. I know my depression effects everyone around me, and I have learned to put on a "happy" face and act "normal" so not to worry anyone. No one will truly know my thoughts and feelings anymore, because you don't UNDERTAND. When I am asked how I am, I say "OK". Will not say "good" because that is a lie. Sad to say that's what it's come to. Remember we have feelings too, and when you're not honest with us, we can't trust you. I don't trust anyone anymore! I'll just keep mainly to myself as usual...it's all better in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI am by no means belittling depression or saying that all your actions are not justified. I said that in the post. I explained that I know depression is hell inside your own head. It is awful and I would do anything to make it go away forever.
DeleteI am fully aware patience is a two way street.. I said that. I said lets be patient with eachother and meet in the middle.
And yes, we don't understand. That should not be held against us though because like your depression, that is out of our control. We try our hardest.
You suffer from depression. and that is absolutely awful and I am so sorry. I truly am cause I watch it slowly kill so many of my loved ones a daily basis. I may not know the struggle myself, but I have been raised by it. I have been its best friend and its lover.
This post is about saying exactly what you said at the end, "We have feelings too". We all have feelings, but its different for everyone of us. I do not scold you for feeling sad or depressed, so please do not scold me for feeling rejected and hurt. I am not asking anyone to fake it or change.
If you want us to do all this for you, why is it so much to ask for the same respect in return? We have to see eachothers side and help each other out. Depression is unbelievably hard. But living alongside depression is no easy task. A diagnosis of depression does not give you the right to say what you want to say but silence what I have to say because I do not have a diagnosis.
If you do not like what I say, don't read it. Plain and simple. There is not a cell in my body that means to offend anyone.
Nothing posted was an attack on you personally...it was geared toward the "non-depressed". It's a defense mechanism on my part to lash out when "threatened." By that I mean you hit so close to home, that it was almost to much to bear. When you are depressed, you don't want to hear the world "selfish." Even if it was not intended to insult. For that I apologize...Hopefully you will continue to post your thoughts and feelings. I feel in the long run, it will be beneficial. I am always available to anyone at anytime to talk. Some depressed people are unable, for me it helps to help others.
ReplyDeleteI liked reading what you had to say please keep blogging Alycia I am very eager to read more of your thoughts
ReplyDeleteps. (your cat is stupidly cute)