Genetics

Sorry it has been so long for the few people who really care to read this! My life has suddenly become overly busy and I haven't had a moments rest.


This post is a tad bit weird, I suppose, so as always... read with an open mind and remember what this blog is all about.


Genetics


Genes. We all know what they are, right? It is what carries our hereditary traits down our family lines. Hair color, eye color, potentially some basic personality traits, and select mental disorders. The thing about depression is that even though it is a widely known mental illness and there is a decent amount of funding to find out more.. it is still, largely, a mystery. Theories point to both chemical imbalances and environmental factors. I believe it a combination of both.


My personal, educated theory is that depression is hereditary. It appears to run in families. But it is not something like eye color - you have the dominant genes for brown eyes, so you then have brown eyes and that's that. It is more of a hard-wiring. There is something in our genes that hard-wires us to be more likely to become depressed. That's where environmental factors come in. Something in how we were raised or something that happens to us while growing up (or as an adult) triggers the depression to come to fruition. So in other words, it lays dormant is some of us and we just need a button to pushed.


Now that I have shared my theory... you might be wondering why I am bothering to share this. I have thought long and hard about why depression exists and what causes it because it controls my life. It is in my family and therefor, in my blood. So something that many people probably don't realize is that we worry if it will happen to us.


If/When will it happen?


This may seem illogical to many of you. But think about it. If your father/mother/other relative have certain types of cancer or heart disease... you are at a higher risk for having the same thing as you get older. For example.. my father had colon cancer at a young age. Now, starting at the age of 25 my siblings and I are supposed to get a camera/tube shoved up our butts every year to check for colon cancer because we are much more likely to have it than other people (who would only start checking for colon cancer at a much later age). So how is depression different?


So while I am worrying about my depressed loved ones, I am also worry about myself. I know, I know.. I feel silly saying it and I know many people may think this idea is silly. But it's at least how I feel. Just like my loved ones are always in the back of my mind, this is in the back of mind. Will I end up like them? Will the tables turn and my loved ones will now be worrying about my depression and my safety? And that scares the crap out of me.


How is that I have family members, some very close and others extended, struggling so hard with depression and yet I am perfectly fine? Side note.. you can throw in guilt here. We do feel downright awful that you suffer every second of every day and we are fine. We wish we could help and take some of the load off... but at the same time we worry about becoming depressed ourselves. It's quite the clusterfuck.


So we just continue to live


I worry that my children will grow up in a household with a depressed mother. I worry that I will become depressed and put the stress on others that has been put on myself. Let me also take the time to say that I am happy and proud of the household I grew up in. There is depression, there is suicide attempts.. but you know what? It has made me a stronger, happier person. Because unlike a lot of people, I appreciate the little things. When my depressed loved ones say "I love you", I listen and take it to heart.. because I don't know if I will hear it again. Growing up with people suffering from depression has taught me to see the beauty and silver lining in everything. My life may have been very different from my friends, but it never lacked love and compassion and beauty. I know my loved ones fight depression not only for themselves, and I'm going to go as far as to say that they mostly fight it for me and their other loves ones. And that is a feeling of love that most do not understand.


Back to the point of this post... So now when something bad happens in my life and I get down in the dumps for a bit.. I sit there and wonder if this is what will push that "on" switch in my brain. I have had some hardships... some that most people will never go through.. and I have always kept my head up. But as many people suffering from depression will tell you.. it's not a choice (and it is not). My issue then turns to that. When will it not become a choice. I can choose to change my attitude now, but will that change? And that, my friends, is terrifying.


So I just continue to live. I go day by day and continue to make the choice to be happy and see the good in life.. because I do not want to take that for granted. But I still worry each day that eventually, the choice will be taken away. That I will succumb so what I believe is already in my brain. My boyfriend jokes that one day I am going to just snap and have a mental break down because I am so happy all the time and just let things roll off my back as they come (he also adds in that he will be there to take care of me, he's very lovely and amazing). The truth is - that is actually a possible thing. I've seen it happen to my loved ones (that's the whole 'it never goes away thing'.. someone is fine, and then BOOM. Depression and suicide attempts).


While I know struggling with depression is shitty and god awful.. people like me are fighting a separate battle. We are fighting a battle to never have that switch turned on. To keep the hereditary hard-wiring at bay by controlling our environmental factors. Make sense? Probably not. But fuck it. This is for me, right?