Emotions

Hello world. I'm writing this from my phone so expect a lot of typos and the set up might be weird.

Per usual.. Read with an open mind and remember what this blog is about. Also.. There will a lot of contradictions in this post so bare with me.

Let's begin.

Emotions

I believe that people such as myself have a different view of emotions and a weird type of control over them. We view the emotions of our depressed loved ones differently than the rest of the world. But I am going to focus on my emotions, and assumingly other people like me (maybe?)

So first a whee bit about myself, or how I view myself at least. I am a pretty content person. Most people who know me would probably say I'm consistently in a state of being calm and level headed (unless I work with you, then you probably see me as either happy or pissed. But that's work). It takes a lot to really piss me off (again, unless I'm at work) and I can brush most things off my shoulder.

Some people could go as far as to call me cold, and I wouldn't disagree. I am both very empathetic and cold.. If that makes sense. I can be unsympathetic about some things that I deem irrelevant, but I try my hardest to understand that it is a big deal to that person. I can also come off as distant and in my own little world. But that is basically a defense mechanism for me when I have shit going on and I'm trying to work it out in my own head.

Moving on.

Control

I would say I have a pretty strong control over my emotions. For example.. Not too long ago I was having a serious text conversation with someone about how they basically wanted to kill themselves or at least stop existing. And what was I doing? Buying cat liter at Walmart. Some may view this as me not caring if I could walk around a store while this was going on. But that's not it. I was dying inside.. But life has to continue. My cats needed liter.

And people like me can do that. We can be talking someone down from suicide one minute, and the next be seemingly perfectly fine walking into work or laughing at movie. I like to call it a switch. I have a switch that I just turn off so I can function in society and not have people ask me what's wrong. Because 99% of the time.. I don't want to talk about it (see Vow of Silence for explanation).

At the same time.. Little things can set me off. I can remain strong then.. But heaven forbid someone says something with a shitty attitude towards me and I bust out in tears. I believe that so much of my emotional control is spent when I'm dealing with a serious issue that it can make me completely unstable during normal situations. And that can confuse people...

Cold

I always worry that my lack of response during serious times can make the other person think I'm cold or do not care. But thats not the case.. It's just what I have to do to cope. I don't want to break down and cry in front of you because then I can't help you. The focus gets turned to me and that's not what needs to happen. Or after a serious talk, when I turn on a comedy and am able to laugh and seemingly brush off whatever just happened. Again.. Not what really happens. I need a distraction. I turn that switch off and clear my head until I'm ready to deal with it. Till I am alone and can fall apart.

I hate admitting this but I can't even count how many times I've broken down and just cried. Usually in the bathroom or in my car. I scream, I hit things, and I just sob. Like ugly, face disgusting sob. And then something magical happens. My mind just says "okay. Time to stop. Back to normal" and you know what happens? I just stop. And my mood goes back to normal. This is something I will never understand and that has always fascinated me.

So you see. My emotions are a complicated thing.. As emotions normally are. But there is a reason behind the madness and I felt like the other side deserved an explanation for some of my, and maybe others, actions.

Also.. Sorry if this post seems meaningless or confusing. I'm limited on time but wanted to write something about this. I may delve into this more later.

Being Strong

WOW It's been forever since I have posted anything. Sorry to the like 3 people who actually care about reading this and have contacted me and asked if I was still doing this. Life got a little crazy with school and work. Hopefully I can get back on track to posting more frequently.


Now seeing as I get most of my views from posting this on facebook... to my new facebook friends.. if you decide to read this, I ask that you go back and read the previous blogs. Or at least the first introduction one so you have an idea on what this is about.


Per usual, a little preliminary stuff. Everything I write on here has a chance of hurting or offending my loved ones... so I ask that you please try to understand with an open mind on where I am coming from and that I never intend to insult anyone. Especially this post in particular - I do not want anyone to think that they have to stop coming to me because it is 'too much' or you are a 'burden'.. because you are not. I enjoy being there for each and every one of you and do not want it to stop. That being said... I do need a release every now and then and that is exactly why this blog came to fruition.


Now let us begin.


Being Strong


Anyone that suffer from depression (or any mental illness for that matter) is a very strong person in my eyes. Especially those who continue to walk around day to day and do not let their illness consume them. That takes an immense amount of strength that I can not even pretend to have. However, being the companion (whether that be family, friend, partner, etc.) takes a great deal of strength as well.


As mentioned in previous blogs... I have been the person that others turn to for help. They look to me to vent, seek advice, or reassurance that they are strong enough to keep doing this. I have been to basically every mental hospital in the area visiting loved ones, I have seen the self harm scars, I have literally talked someone away from suicide and called when I realized I could not save them to have someone close by force them to throw up pills or go to the hospital to stop the already attempted suicide. And that my friends, takes a lot of strength.


It would be easier to not pick up my phone. To not walk into a mental hospital to visit them. To push the thought aside and focus on whatever daily task I am currently doing and refuse to put myself through that emotionally exhausting task. It would be easier to not be by their side when they are at their worst and listen to them talk about killing themselves. It would just be easier to ignore that this is part of my life. But I refuse to do so. Early on in life I decided to be the person that others can come to and not have to worry about judgment and being turned away. And I take pride in this. As much as it hurts, I also love it because it means that I am actually making a difference in someone's life and I can help those that I love.


However, I do not want anyone who has not been in that situation to think for a minute that it is not hard. No matter what mask we are putting on or what emotions we decide to show you, it hurts. And it takes a good amount of will power to be strong around that.


And quite frankly, I get tired of it.


As much as I love being there... it is hard. and it is exhausting. and sometimes I just straight out don't want to fucking do it. I will admit that there have been times where I have seen names on my caller ID or at the top of text message and just think, "noooo.. come on. Really? Right now? No. Fuck this. I will check on them later". And I hate myself for that and always regret it after. But I still do it because sometimes I just do not have the energy.


That makes me sound like a shitty person and I realize that. It is not easy for these people to reach out to me, and I recognize that. And its not easy for me to write this out for the world to see and judge me on. But I really don't care cause it helps me.


I am tired of being strong for other people all the time. While I thrive on it, it also sucks. There are some days where I just want to yell "Shut the fuck up and let me have a minute to just fucking relax". I sometimes just want a day to laugh and have fun with this person and pretend for a night that mental illness is not present in our lives. But just as it is the cold hard truth for me, its the truth for them as well. I know if they could just turn it off.. they would. They can't though, so neither can I.


Me Me Me Me Me Me


But this blog is about me, not them. Though in many ways I am very similar to my loved ones who suffer from depression. We both put on faces for those we love, we both act/be strong for those we love, and there is no escaping it for either of us. As much as they want to just break down and cry and stay in bed all day... that's all I want to do as well on many occasions. As much as they want to escape the world and their responsibilities... well hell, so do I.


So this is where anger comes into play. I get angry. Because I do the 'woe is me' I've mentioned before where I go "well what the fuck? When is it my turn to just break down and cry and curse the world for things out of my control". But that is not an option for me, nor is it for them.


But I am tired. I am beat up and worn down from being the silver lining that they need to keep going. I am sick of putting on a face and not just breaking down in front of them. And that is starting to show because I have trouble staying strong around them and some of them have seen me just break down (which usually occurs when I'm alone and finally let it all out).


End on a positive note


All that being said, I wouldn't change it for the world unless they are better. I do enjoy that I can help them, as I said above. Yes, it is overwhelming at times... but I can handle it and I want to continue to do it for them.


Most of my friends and loved ones tell me that I am the strongest person they know. I do not agree, obviously, but it means a lot to hear it. I got my strength from watching my loved ones fight their depression and I try to be as strong as them. If they can be strong, then so can I. And I appreciate what they do and what they have taught me. It is because of them that I am able to see the good in every situation, that I can brush stressors away because I know there are more important things in life than a broken car or not being able to pay a bill on time. I am a happy person because I see how hard they fight to try to be a happy person.


So while this whole blog is how I'm tired of being strong for them, they are the only reason I am strong and therefore, I owe it to them to keep being strong.

Genetics

Sorry it has been so long for the few people who really care to read this! My life has suddenly become overly busy and I haven't had a moments rest.


This post is a tad bit weird, I suppose, so as always... read with an open mind and remember what this blog is all about.


Genetics


Genes. We all know what they are, right? It is what carries our hereditary traits down our family lines. Hair color, eye color, potentially some basic personality traits, and select mental disorders. The thing about depression is that even though it is a widely known mental illness and there is a decent amount of funding to find out more.. it is still, largely, a mystery. Theories point to both chemical imbalances and environmental factors. I believe it a combination of both.


My personal, educated theory is that depression is hereditary. It appears to run in families. But it is not something like eye color - you have the dominant genes for brown eyes, so you then have brown eyes and that's that. It is more of a hard-wiring. There is something in our genes that hard-wires us to be more likely to become depressed. That's where environmental factors come in. Something in how we were raised or something that happens to us while growing up (or as an adult) triggers the depression to come to fruition. So in other words, it lays dormant is some of us and we just need a button to pushed.


Now that I have shared my theory... you might be wondering why I am bothering to share this. I have thought long and hard about why depression exists and what causes it because it controls my life. It is in my family and therefor, in my blood. So something that many people probably don't realize is that we worry if it will happen to us.


If/When will it happen?


This may seem illogical to many of you. But think about it. If your father/mother/other relative have certain types of cancer or heart disease... you are at a higher risk for having the same thing as you get older. For example.. my father had colon cancer at a young age. Now, starting at the age of 25 my siblings and I are supposed to get a camera/tube shoved up our butts every year to check for colon cancer because we are much more likely to have it than other people (who would only start checking for colon cancer at a much later age). So how is depression different?


So while I am worrying about my depressed loved ones, I am also worry about myself. I know, I know.. I feel silly saying it and I know many people may think this idea is silly. But it's at least how I feel. Just like my loved ones are always in the back of my mind, this is in the back of mind. Will I end up like them? Will the tables turn and my loved ones will now be worrying about my depression and my safety? And that scares the crap out of me.


How is that I have family members, some very close and others extended, struggling so hard with depression and yet I am perfectly fine? Side note.. you can throw in guilt here. We do feel downright awful that you suffer every second of every day and we are fine. We wish we could help and take some of the load off... but at the same time we worry about becoming depressed ourselves. It's quite the clusterfuck.


So we just continue to live


I worry that my children will grow up in a household with a depressed mother. I worry that I will become depressed and put the stress on others that has been put on myself. Let me also take the time to say that I am happy and proud of the household I grew up in. There is depression, there is suicide attempts.. but you know what? It has made me a stronger, happier person. Because unlike a lot of people, I appreciate the little things. When my depressed loved ones say "I love you", I listen and take it to heart.. because I don't know if I will hear it again. Growing up with people suffering from depression has taught me to see the beauty and silver lining in everything. My life may have been very different from my friends, but it never lacked love and compassion and beauty. I know my loved ones fight depression not only for themselves, and I'm going to go as far as to say that they mostly fight it for me and their other loves ones. And that is a feeling of love that most do not understand.


Back to the point of this post... So now when something bad happens in my life and I get down in the dumps for a bit.. I sit there and wonder if this is what will push that "on" switch in my brain. I have had some hardships... some that most people will never go through.. and I have always kept my head up. But as many people suffering from depression will tell you.. it's not a choice (and it is not). My issue then turns to that. When will it not become a choice. I can choose to change my attitude now, but will that change? And that, my friends, is terrifying.


So I just continue to live. I go day by day and continue to make the choice to be happy and see the good in life.. because I do not want to take that for granted. But I still worry each day that eventually, the choice will be taken away. That I will succumb so what I believe is already in my brain. My boyfriend jokes that one day I am going to just snap and have a mental break down because I am so happy all the time and just let things roll off my back as they come (he also adds in that he will be there to take care of me, he's very lovely and amazing). The truth is - that is actually a possible thing. I've seen it happen to my loved ones (that's the whole 'it never goes away thing'.. someone is fine, and then BOOM. Depression and suicide attempts).


While I know struggling with depression is shitty and god awful.. people like me are fighting a separate battle. We are fighting a battle to never have that switch turned on. To keep the hereditary hard-wiring at bay by controlling our environmental factors. Make sense? Probably not. But fuck it. This is for me, right?

Vow of Silence

Good afternoon everyone! So I mentioned in a previous blog that I would explain why I have had such a hard time talking about my struggles as the companion of depression.. so here it is.


As always, read with an open mind and remember what this blog is about as to not take offense to anything I say. Also as a side note.. I have had quite a few people approach me and open up about their own struggles with depression and that this blog has already helped them realize what those around them go through.. so I would like to take a moment to honestly thank those individuals. I know how much courage it take to admit you suffer from depression and it means the world to me that you trust me enough to open up about your struggle and share your darkest moments with me.


In the same notion, I have had others approach me and tell me that they are like me, a companion to depression and that this blog has helped them feel not so alone and even have the courage to speak out to their loved ones. And that also means the world to me. It's an amazing feeling to know that this blog is doing good for not only me, but others as well. so THANK YOU for all the support, you guys are awesome.


Now to begin.


Who do I talk to?


As I mentioned, I am surrounded by depression. Most of my closest friends and family suffer from either chronic/suicidal depression or have gone through situational depression recently. I am not close with that many people, so this basically encompasses everyone that I would feel comfortable talking too. So in a sense, I have always felt alone in my struggles. I know this is not true, I know there are people I could have talked to but didn't for various reasons (to be explained later).


If you have a fight with your significant other... we obviously do not turn to said significant other to bitch about and, in a sense, talk shit about our significant other. That's how I feel when it comes to talking about my problems regarding depression (obviously I do not consider what I am doing talking shit, but you know what I mean). How do you approach the person that is the cause of your pain to talk about that pain?


Approaching them is not easy. I do not want to add more pain to the pain they are already living in. As mentioned in a previous blog, I also do not want them to think they are too much of a burden and stop coming to me. It is never that the person is too much of a burden.. but it is still hard and there is no guarantee that the person will be exactly ready and willing to hear what I have to say. It is never easy hearing that you inadvertently hurt someone you love and most of us become defensive because we feel attacked. This is a completely natural reaction and eventually subsides, allowing for open and honest communication (as I have learned from this blog, but before this.. I didn't know that because I was never brave enough to try)


So because of this... I have felt that I could not approach anyone. That I had to deal with these issues on my own in order to keep the peace (which is obviously wrong)


Those I can talk too


 Now for the people in my life who do not suffer from depression. Many of my friends have gently tried to push and persuade me to open up and each time, I basically shoot them down and change the subject. And I know this is not fair because my friends are AMAZING and all of them have been my friend for over a decade (or two) and deserve my honesty and trust. I do not close them out because I don't trust them, it is because I know they will have no idea what to say.


Depression is a weird topic to discuss and there is nothing my friends can do to make it better. There is really no advice to give. While I know that just having someone listen can be enough, I am the type of person that likes to figure out a solution to my problems, become okay with the issue, and then I will talk to my friends about it in a basically logical, non-emotional fashion. This doesn't work with depression because there is no be-all, end-all solution. It is a continuous struggle and I have a hard time being emotional and showing vulnerability to my friends (nothing they did or anything, its just how I am).


And one of the last things I want  to do is delve into details. I don't want to tell you where they cut themselves, how bad, how they tried to kill themselves, or what they said as a goodbye before a suicide attempt. I just don't. Its awkward, it hurts and I do not want to relive those memories and think of it every time I see your face. I know its natural curiosity to ask and there is really nothing else to say but get more details.. but I hate it.


It's not just my secret


This is by far the #1 reason that I keep my mouth shut. Unlike all my other secrets and heartaches that I share with my friends and loved ones... this isn't just my secret. When you talk about how someone else's depression effects you, you are also giving away information about the person who is depressed. And I don't believe that this information is mine to give away.


In society today, there is still a lot of stigma around depression and people are almost forced to be "ashamed" for the fact that they are depressed (which is BULLSHIT by the way). Nevertheless, that's how our culture still is even though depression has been a proven disease.. in the DSM and everything. Most mental disorders have this same stigma. So how do I know that my depressed loved ones are comfortable knowing that my best friends knows they are depressed, or about their self-harm tendencies, or their suicide attempts. That's why I try to keep any information I give out to a bare minimum because this is not just my life that I am opening up to the world... it is my depressed loved ones, their families, their spouses.


When it comes to depression being within a family.. it gets particularly hard. Because then it is not only my secret and the depressed person's secret... it becomes a family secret. It is something that the family privately goes through together. So lets say the person struggling with depression is open about their depression.. how do I know that my other family members are okay with my friends knowing what we go through? Again... it is all because of this stupid stigmatism that you should be ashamed of or blamed for your depression (add in a bunch of angry swear words here to show how much I loathe this).




If society would start treating mental disorders as they treat most other illnesses... there wouldn't be a need for me to have to hide behind a computer screen to say what I wanted to say. And the people suffering from depression would most likely get more and better help and have more people they could confide in. So lets work on that okay?

Living Scared

My posts will eventually become more spaced out seeing as I'm averaging one a day now, but I'm rewarding myself from finishing some homework... so you folks get another post!


As usual, a little preliminary disclaimer.


This post is primarily geared towards suicidal depression. While I am talking about how it effects me, please keep in mind that I am in NO WAY trying to belittle or take away how hard it is to suffer from suicidal depression. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to live that way. So please remember the point of this blog and that I have the upmost respect for anyone struggling with suicide.


This is also something that up until extremely recently, I had not shared with anyone. I confessed to my boyfriend the fear I live in everyday a few weeks ago, and that was the first time I had uttered the words "I am afraid" outloud. So this is very new and still very raw even though I have been living this way for quite a few years now. Let's begin before I change my mind on writing about this so soon.


I am Afraid


Every second of every day I am afraid. Afraid of losing a loved one to suicide and not being able to do a god damn thing to stop it. Ever since my first experience with an attempt, I have been this way. At that time, I hated myself for missing the signs or just completely overlooking them as "how that person just is". Now I am constantly aware and searching for signs, from the smallest sideways comment to straight out asking them if they have thought about it or attempted recently. I don't want to be so naïve again.


My first thought when I wake up is to check my cell phone to make sure I didn't miss a text from a loved one asking for help or to talk them out of suicide (like I have done countless times before). Or a missed call from someone else saying so and so was at this hospital, or that it was too late. It is my last thought before I go to bed, wondering if I should reach out and check on them. While I'm at work, on a date, with friends.. it is my most constant, unwelcomed companion. I could be having a great time, and then suddenly I feel my stomach drop and I am reminded that at any moment, I could lose a loved one. Its ALWAYS there. Maybe not at the forefront of my thoughts, but lingering in the back of my mind.


My least favorite thing in the world is a phone call. No, not for the reason everyone else claims they hate phone calls ("I don't like talking on the phone for blah blah blah reason"). I don't mind talking on the phone. It's the part that my phone is ringing that I hate. Why? A text is safe, a facebook message is safe.. because any decent human being would not deliver awful news in that way. They call you. It may seem silly to those who haven't been there, but when my phone rings.. my first thought is "I wonder which mental hospital I will be visiting this time" or "dear god, did they finally actually do it". Seems irrational right? But when you've been scarred like I have, your mind jumps to the worst. There is one person in particular that when I see their name on my caller id, I know it must be bad. Because they have been the one to deliver the bad news every time.


I can remember a time when I got a call from this person (mind you, it was an innocent call about getting movie passes).. but I had to pull over before I answered because my heart was beating so fast and I felt like I was going to pass out. Once I hung up, even though the call was innocent, I stayed on the side of the road and cried for about 10 minutes. No idea why. It was just overwhelming I guess to relive those same emotions.


It never goes away


People can overcome depression and thoughts of suicide, but there is always that chance that they fall back in the spiral of hell. For that reason exactly, I never stop worrying. I am never not afraid anymore. The person can be deemed fully cured, off of medicine, and doing completely fine.. and I will still worry. Because what if something happens? What is something snaps and they commit suicide without ever having a chance to try to get help again?


During the most peaceful and happiest times for my struggling depressed, it is still all I think about. It is not that I do not believe they can overcome it... I believe and hope everyday they can... but that is not enough to actually cure them.. and make it stay that way for good.


To try to put in perspective... Someone has cancer and is in remission. They are cured! But they don't say they are cured... they say they have been in remission for x amount of time. That there is no sign of cancer in their body. But it can come back. They are not cured for good with a 100% chance of living a healthy life. It simply means that for a certain amount of time, they are cancer free. Like depression... they have been depression free for a certain amount of time.. but it can come back.


There is nothing I can do


There is nothing I can do to not feel afraid. As long as depression exists in this world, I will be afraid. and I hate every god damn second of it. I go in-between hating myself for being afraid (because I am focusing on me, not the person who is depressed) and doing the "Woe is me" (Why can't I be carefree like my friends? Why do I have to constantly have to have this cloud over me that I have no control over). and I hate all of it. It makes me feel stupid for feeling this way. But I do.. and its time I admitted it.


This may also explain why I am such an introvert. Why going out is such a chore and hassle for me. Confused? Okay.. so I spend so much of my day worrying and being scared of things that are not physically in front of me and that I have no control over. and it is fucking exhausting. So then having to go out and be around people and pretend that I don't feel this way.. well that's even more exhausting. Therefore, I usually opt to stay at home every second I can and lose myself in books and video games because that is the only time I do not feel afraid (sleep doesn't work either because I've been blessed at a very young age to have nightmares all the time). I can escape and pretend I live in these worlds that I am reading about. Or why I focus so much on school and work.. its a distraction that I control. So to my neglected friends and family - I am sorry. Its not really a valid excuse.. but maybe that helps explain a little bit when I only stay for a few hours and then say I need to go home or a break from hanging out.


This blog is extremely personal and was really hard for me to write. I decided to do it early to just get it out of the way. This may not make sense to a lot of you.. but it'd be nice to know that I am not alone. Or if I am.. well fuck it, that just means I'm crazy too (or according to Jack Sparrow, I can't actually be crazy because crazy people do not admit they are crazy, and I admit I'm crazy.. so I can't be crazy. Isnt that crazy?)

A Message to the non-depressed

I was not expecting to write another blog to quickly.. but after the reaction I got on the last one.. I want too. So I am!


I did a message to the depressed.. now its time for a message to the undepressed. Basically.. how we fuck up. every day. all the time. As always... take with an open mind. PLEASE feel free to comment and share. I eventually want to get to a point where this blog can be an open, nonjudgement zone for both sides of depression to communicate. That would be awesome.


SO FIRST.
We are Selfish


Yup. We are. I know we are, you know we are, so lets just say it. This whole blog, in a sense, is me being selfish. It's a fancy sugar-coated way of me going "PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND ALL MY FEEEEEELS". And that's okay. Everyone is entitled to be selfish in some aspect.


Here's how we are selfish. As a person suffering with depression... your brain is basically a big cluster fuck caused by a tornado of negative emotions and self doubt. And yet.. you are able to get up every day, go to work, pay the bills, take care of your children, and fake a smile. That itself deserves an Olympic gold medal. Yet.. the undepressed still want more. We want you to take into consideration how your overwhelming sadness affects us and try to help us understand/help you. I realize that my last blog contradicts this. But its true. Both sides have a point.


On top of all this, if your depression also includes suicide.. the only reason you are still walking and talking is mostly because of the people around you. If you didn't think that ending your life would hurt those around you, you would have done it a long time ago. And I understand that, please don't think I don't recognize the amount of strength it takes to do what  you do. So to my non-depressed... keep that in my mind. You are selfish too. Its not necessarily unjustified.. we are just as, if not more, selfish than our depressed counterparts. They unselfishly continue to live in a state of constant sadness for us because they know we need them.


We kind of suck a lot of the time


As mentioned in the previous blog, we really have no idea what we are doing. Therefore, we make a lot of mistakes along the way. This includes saying the wrong things. For instance..


-"But you have so much going for you! You have your family, house, etc etc etc word vomit and more word vomit"


Yeah. They may have all that. But that doesn't change a god damn thing about how they feel. And pointing that out will probably only make them feel worse because then they will also feel guilty about being depressed. That's like telling a cancer patient, "but you cant die! you have so much going for you" - "Oh alright.. Let me just turn this off and be completely healthy!". The world doesn't work that way. It's not a choice.


-"Just get over it! You have to choose to be happy to be happy"


Biggest load of shit ever. For us non-depressed.. it may work. I know I can adjust my mood pretty easily. If I'm having a bad day, I can go 'Okay.. just put a smile on and pretend its a good day'. And it normally works. This is not how it works for the depressed. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. No one wants to be depressed. Why would they? It's awful. So we need to stop saying this right now.


We really don't understand.


We sometimes pretend that we understand what you are going through. But that's all a big fat lie. We don't. And we need to stop pretending we do. It doesn't help anyone. It is hell enough being depressed, but trying to explain what it is like being depressed is extremely frustrating (I can imagine). So instead of trying to understand what it is like to be depressed, we should focus on how we can help the person who is depressed. That seems a lot more logical doesn't it?


Don't Lie


We lie just as much as a our depressed loved ones. We lie to your face about how we feel and what we think. In my last post, I asked the depressed folks to not do that. And now I'm asking myself and everyone else too. I started this blog for that purpose exactly. Could saying outright "yeah that fucking hurts" cause more heart ache and fighting initially? Absolutely. But in the long run, honesty is always better.


How is it helpful when I have someone look me in the eye and tell they want to off themselves and I don't react? They need to know we care, even if said caring leads to us being hurt. They deserve to know the truth if they are letting us in. It's not a one way street. If they open up to you, you better open up to them.


There is plenty more I could write about how we fuck up. But this is just a quick over view before I go to work. Hopefully those who reacted badly to my last blog will now see that I am fully aware its us as well.


First step to getting better is admitting your own faults. So lets all agree that we mess up all the time. and help each other move foward

Message to the Depressed

I figured I would start my first real post as a message to people suffering from depression. As always, please take with an open mind. If I ever seem to be belittling depression, please know that is not my intention. This post is about the other side.. so I am obviously going to focus more on what I feel.

So lets begin by saying the one thing I have always had trouble saying. okay.. here we go..

You are Selfish

There. I said it. Now let me explain before I get a bunch of hate comments. I am fully aware that a diagnosis of depression is basically saying that you are forced to be selfish. To quote a good friend of mine (who has been on both sides of depression), "The problem with depression is that it is entirely self-centered. It's hard to see outside of the haze of hell in your own head to realize that your actions and outbursts affect other people". And I think that sums it up nicely.

As your faithful companions, we UNDERSTAND why you are selfish and that most of the time, it is completely unintentional and you are not aware of it. That does not change the fact that it fucking hurts. For me, I try my damndest to put myself in your shoes and not take it personally. As with most things, that is a lot easier said than done.

My unqualified advice? You have NO IDEA how much of a difference it makes if you simply ask how we are. And let us answer. Let us talk about our problems without throwing the "Yeah well, at least you don't have this, that and other thing!" and basically belittle our problems simply because we do not suffer from depression. Hell... I definitely do not suffer from depression but my laundry list of problems and heartaches deserves attention when I need to vent. Every once in a while.. give us a chance to talk or even just talk about something else besides your struggle with depression. I swear to you it feels like a vacation every time.

Moving on..

Be Patient with us

We are expected to patient and understanding with you, and I feel we deserve the same back. I promise we are trying our HARDEST to do what we can for you. The honest truth though? We have no idea what we are doing. We do not know the right thing to say or do.. do we push to make you open up more or take a step back and let you have your space? We are not experts or doctors.. we are your friend, family, lover, teammate, whatever it may be. So if we say the wrong thing or miss something important - please try to keep in mind that it is not intentional and never personal.

Similarly, my least favorite snide remark from my depressed loved ones - "You just don't understand what I'm going through". Yeah no fucking shit Sherlock. I have no idea. Why? BECAUSE I'M NOT DEPRESSED! Do I know what sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, even despair feel like? Damn right I do. Do I know what it is like to live in a constant state of all those at once? Nope. No idea. Not the slightest clue. Yet you are holding that against me? I can empathize and logically think it through to try to imagine what you are going through and I know how this can be frustrating to you. But its not our fault. Nor is it yours. So how about we meet in the middle? Let's be patient with each other. Help us help you. We are not mind-readers and may need a nudge in the right direction to being the support you need.

"Fine, I won't come to you anymore if its too much of a burden"

Every time I hear a variation of this, I want to take the nearest sharp object and shove it through my heart so I can physically show you how much this KILLS me. This is part of the reason for my vow of silence. Whenever we try to bring up how your depression hurts us, you retreat or get angry. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut (up until now).

Just because we express that something hurts us, doesn't mean we want you to stop coming to us. I know that I am extremely happy that so many of my loved ones confide in me and feel comfortable showing me their darkest moments. I never want that to end as long as they are still battling this bitch known as depression. Especially when handling the suicidal aspect of this, my body goes into full panic mode when someone retreats. Because god forbid anything happens, I will feel like I could have helped but wasn't allowed to because I opened my big, fat stupid mouth.

See the dilemma? I want to be there for you, always, at every second. But I am also a human being with feelings and when a loved one talks about offing themselves - well I'm going to be affected. Please don't take that as I don't want to hear it - I do (that sounds messed up, but if it helps you.. I want to hear it). Just sometimes, I might need a minute to collect myself so I can look you in the eye and be the soldier you need me to be. This goes back to the top part - if we want to tell you how it makes us feel, please let us and not feel like you can't come to us. We listen to you to the best of our ability.. try to do the same to us. If it hurts you, we don't mean to.. just like you don't mean to hurt us.


Maybe this is me being selfish in thinking this way. But this is my reality.

To recap - Be patient. Try to see our point of view sometimes. and NEVER close yourself off from us to try to save us any heart ache because trust me.. you are only creating more.

To end on a brighter note.. This is my cat Mia all up in my grill while I tried to write this post. She was demanding attention and seeing as I'm a crazy cat lady, I will probably periodically share photos of my three furry children.