WOW It's been forever since I have posted anything. Sorry to the like 3 people who actually care about reading this and have contacted me and asked if I was still doing this. Life got a little crazy with school and work. Hopefully I can get back on track to posting more frequently.
Now seeing as I get most of my views from posting this on facebook... to my new facebook friends.. if you decide to read this, I ask that you go back and read the previous blogs. Or at least the first introduction one so you have an idea on what this is about.
Per usual, a little preliminary stuff. Everything I write on here has a chance of hurting or offending my loved ones... so I ask that you please try to understand with an open mind on where I am coming from and that I never intend to insult anyone. Especially this post in particular - I do not want anyone to think that they have to stop coming to me because it is 'too much' or you are a 'burden'.. because you are not. I enjoy being there for each and every one of you and do not want it to stop. That being said... I do need a release every now and then and that is exactly why this blog came to fruition.
Now let us begin.
Being Strong
Anyone that suffer from depression (or any mental illness for that matter) is a very strong person in my eyes. Especially those who continue to walk around day to day and do not let their illness consume them. That takes an immense amount of strength that I can not even pretend to have. However, being the companion (whether that be family, friend, partner, etc.) takes a great deal of strength as well.
As mentioned in previous blogs... I have been the person that others turn to for help. They look to me to vent, seek advice, or reassurance that they are strong enough to keep doing this. I have been to basically every mental hospital in the area visiting loved ones, I have seen the self harm scars, I have literally talked someone away from suicide and called when I realized I could not save them to have someone close by force them to throw up pills or go to the hospital to stop the already attempted suicide. And that my friends, takes a lot of strength.
It would be easier to not pick up my phone. To not walk into a mental hospital to visit them. To push the thought aside and focus on whatever daily task I am currently doing and refuse to put myself through that emotionally exhausting task. It would be easier to not be by their side when they are at their worst and listen to them talk about killing themselves. It would just be easier to ignore that this is part of my life. But I refuse to do so. Early on in life I decided to be the person that others can come to and not have to worry about judgment and being turned away. And I take pride in this. As much as it hurts, I also love it because it means that I am actually making a difference in someone's life and I can help those that I love.
However, I do not want anyone who has not been in that situation to think for a minute that it is not hard. No matter what mask we are putting on or what emotions we decide to show you, it hurts. And it takes a good amount of will power to be strong around that.
And quite frankly, I get tired of it.
As much as I love being there... it is hard. and it is exhausting. and sometimes I just straight out don't want to fucking do it. I will admit that there have been times where I have seen names on my caller ID or at the top of text message and just think, "noooo.. come on. Really? Right now? No. Fuck this. I will check on them later". And I hate myself for that and always regret it after. But I still do it because sometimes I just do not have the energy.
That makes me sound like a shitty person and I realize that. It is not easy for these people to reach out to me, and I recognize that. And its not easy for me to write this out for the world to see and judge me on. But I really don't care cause it helps me.
I am tired of being strong for other people all the time. While I thrive on it, it also sucks. There are some days where I just want to yell "Shut the fuck up and let me have a minute to just fucking relax". I sometimes just want a day to laugh and have fun with this person and pretend for a night that mental illness is not present in our lives. But just as it is the cold hard truth for me, its the truth for them as well. I know if they could just turn it off.. they would. They can't though, so neither can I.
Me Me Me Me Me Me
But this blog is about me, not them. Though in many ways I am very similar to my loved ones who suffer from depression. We both put on faces for those we love, we both act/be strong for those we love, and there is no escaping it for either of us. As much as they want to just break down and cry and stay in bed all day... that's all I want to do as well on many occasions. As much as they want to escape the world and their responsibilities... well hell, so do I.
So this is where anger comes into play. I get angry. Because I do the 'woe is me' I've mentioned before where I go "well what the fuck? When is it my turn to just break down and cry and curse the world for things out of my control". But that is not an option for me, nor is it for them.
But I am tired. I am beat up and worn down from being the silver lining that they need to keep going. I am sick of putting on a face and not just breaking down in front of them. And that is starting to show because I have trouble staying strong around them and some of them have seen me just break down (which usually occurs when I'm alone and finally let it all out).
End on a positive note
All that being said, I wouldn't change it for the world unless they are better. I do enjoy that I can help them, as I said above. Yes, it is overwhelming at times... but I can handle it and I want to continue to do it for them.
Most of my friends and loved ones tell me that I am the strongest person they know. I do not agree, obviously, but it means a lot to hear it. I got my strength from watching my loved ones fight their depression and I try to be as strong as them. If they can be strong, then so can I. And I appreciate what they do and what they have taught me. It is because of them that I am able to see the good in every situation, that I can brush stressors away because I know there are more important things in life than a broken car or not being able to pay a bill on time. I am a happy person because I see how hard they fight to try to be a happy person.
So while this whole blog is how I'm tired of being strong for them, they are the only reason I am strong and therefore, I owe it to them to keep being strong.
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