Good afternoon everyone! So I mentioned in a previous blog that I would explain why I have had such a hard time talking about my struggles as the companion of depression.. so here it is.
As always, read with an open mind and remember what this blog is about as to not take offense to anything I say. Also as a side note.. I have had quite a few people approach me and open up about their own struggles with depression and that this blog has already helped them realize what those around them go through.. so I would like to take a moment to honestly thank those individuals. I know how much courage it take to admit you suffer from depression and it means the world to me that you trust me enough to open up about your struggle and share your darkest moments with me.
In the same notion, I have had others approach me and tell me that they are like me, a companion to depression and that this blog has helped them feel not so alone and even have the courage to speak out to their loved ones. And that also means the world to me. It's an amazing feeling to know that this blog is doing good for not only me, but others as well. so THANK YOU for all the support, you guys are awesome.
Now to begin.
Who do I talk to?
As I mentioned, I am surrounded by depression. Most of my closest friends and family suffer from either chronic/suicidal depression or have gone through situational depression recently. I am not close with that many people, so this basically encompasses everyone that I would feel comfortable talking too. So in a sense, I have always felt alone in my struggles. I know this is not true, I know there are people I could have talked to but didn't for various reasons (to be explained later).
If you have a fight with your significant other... we obviously do not turn to said significant other to bitch about and, in a sense, talk shit about our significant other. That's how I feel when it comes to talking about my problems regarding depression (obviously I do not consider what I am doing talking shit, but you know what I mean). How do you approach the person that is the cause of your pain to talk about that pain?
Approaching them is not easy. I do not want to add more pain to the pain they are already living in. As mentioned in a previous blog, I also do not want them to think they are too much of a burden and stop coming to me. It is never that the person is too much of a burden.. but it is still hard and there is no guarantee that the person will be exactly ready and willing to hear what I have to say. It is never easy hearing that you inadvertently hurt someone you love and most of us become defensive because we feel attacked. This is a completely natural reaction and eventually subsides, allowing for open and honest communication (as I have learned from this blog, but before this.. I didn't know that because I was never brave enough to try)
So because of this... I have felt that I could not approach anyone. That I had to deal with these issues on my own in order to keep the peace (which is obviously wrong)
Those I can talk too
Now for the people in my life who do not suffer from depression. Many of my friends have gently tried to push and persuade me to open up and each time, I basically shoot them down and change the subject. And I know this is not fair because my friends are AMAZING and all of them have been my friend for over a decade (or two) and deserve my honesty and trust. I do not close them out because I don't trust them, it is because I know they will have no idea what to say.
Depression is a weird topic to discuss and there is nothing my friends can do to make it better. There is really no advice to give. While I know that just having someone listen can be enough, I am the type of person that likes to figure out a solution to my problems, become okay with the issue, and then I will talk to my friends about it in a basically logical, non-emotional fashion. This doesn't work with depression because there is no be-all, end-all solution. It is a continuous struggle and I have a hard time being emotional and showing vulnerability to my friends (nothing they did or anything, its just how I am).
And one of the last things I want to do is delve into details. I don't want to tell you where they cut themselves, how bad, how they tried to kill themselves, or what they said as a goodbye before a suicide attempt. I just don't. Its awkward, it hurts and I do not want to relive those memories and think of it every time I see your face. I know its natural curiosity to ask and there is really nothing else to say but get more details.. but I hate it.
It's not just my secret
This is by far the #1 reason that I keep my mouth shut. Unlike all my other secrets and heartaches that I share with my friends and loved ones... this isn't just my secret. When you talk about how someone else's depression effects you, you are also giving away information about the person who is depressed. And I don't believe that this information is mine to give away.
In society today, there is still a lot of stigma around depression and people are almost forced to be "ashamed" for the fact that they are depressed (which is BULLSHIT by the way). Nevertheless, that's how our culture still is even though depression has been a proven disease.. in the DSM and everything. Most mental disorders have this same stigma. So how do I know that my depressed loved ones are comfortable knowing that my best friends knows they are depressed, or about their self-harm tendencies, or their suicide attempts. That's why I try to keep any information I give out to a bare minimum because this is not just my life that I am opening up to the world... it is my depressed loved ones, their families, their spouses.
When it comes to depression being within a family.. it gets particularly hard. Because then it is not only my secret and the depressed person's secret... it becomes a family secret. It is something that the family privately goes through together. So lets say the person struggling with depression is open about their depression.. how do I know that my other family members are okay with my friends knowing what we go through? Again... it is all because of this stupid stigmatism that you should be ashamed of or blamed for your depression (add in a bunch of angry swear words here to show how much I loathe this).
If society would start treating mental disorders as they treat most other illnesses... there wouldn't be a need for me to have to hide behind a computer screen to say what I wanted to say. And the people suffering from depression would most likely get more and better help and have more people they could confide in. So lets work on that okay?
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Living Scared
My posts will eventually become more spaced out seeing as I'm averaging one a day now, but I'm rewarding myself from finishing some homework... so you folks get another post!
As usual, a little preliminary disclaimer.
This post is primarily geared towards suicidal depression. While I am talking about how it effects me, please keep in mind that I am in NO WAY trying to belittle or take away how hard it is to suffer from suicidal depression. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to live that way. So please remember the point of this blog and that I have the upmost respect for anyone struggling with suicide.
This is also something that up until extremely recently, I had not shared with anyone. I confessed to my boyfriend the fear I live in everyday a few weeks ago, and that was the first time I had uttered the words "I am afraid" outloud. So this is very new and still very raw even though I have been living this way for quite a few years now. Let's begin before I change my mind on writing about this so soon.
I am Afraid
Every second of every day I am afraid. Afraid of losing a loved one to suicide and not being able to do a god damn thing to stop it. Ever since my first experience with an attempt, I have been this way. At that time, I hated myself for missing the signs or just completely overlooking them as "how that person just is". Now I am constantly aware and searching for signs, from the smallest sideways comment to straight out asking them if they have thought about it or attempted recently. I don't want to be so naïve again.
My first thought when I wake up is to check my cell phone to make sure I didn't miss a text from a loved one asking for help or to talk them out of suicide (like I have done countless times before). Or a missed call from someone else saying so and so was at this hospital, or that it was too late. It is my last thought before I go to bed, wondering if I should reach out and check on them. While I'm at work, on a date, with friends.. it is my most constant, unwelcomed companion. I could be having a great time, and then suddenly I feel my stomach drop and I am reminded that at any moment, I could lose a loved one. Its ALWAYS there. Maybe not at the forefront of my thoughts, but lingering in the back of my mind.
My least favorite thing in the world is a phone call. No, not for the reason everyone else claims they hate phone calls ("I don't like talking on the phone for blah blah blah reason"). I don't mind talking on the phone. It's the part that my phone is ringing that I hate. Why? A text is safe, a facebook message is safe.. because any decent human being would not deliver awful news in that way. They call you. It may seem silly to those who haven't been there, but when my phone rings.. my first thought is "I wonder which mental hospital I will be visiting this time" or "dear god, did they finally actually do it". Seems irrational right? But when you've been scarred like I have, your mind jumps to the worst. There is one person in particular that when I see their name on my caller id, I know it must be bad. Because they have been the one to deliver the bad news every time.
I can remember a time when I got a call from this person (mind you, it was an innocent call about getting movie passes).. but I had to pull over before I answered because my heart was beating so fast and I felt like I was going to pass out. Once I hung up, even though the call was innocent, I stayed on the side of the road and cried for about 10 minutes. No idea why. It was just overwhelming I guess to relive those same emotions.
It never goes away
People can overcome depression and thoughts of suicide, but there is always that chance that they fall back in the spiral of hell. For that reason exactly, I never stop worrying. I am never not afraid anymore. The person can be deemed fully cured, off of medicine, and doing completely fine.. and I will still worry. Because what if something happens? What is something snaps and they commit suicide without ever having a chance to try to get help again?
During the most peaceful and happiest times for my struggling depressed, it is still all I think about. It is not that I do not believe they can overcome it... I believe and hope everyday they can... but that is not enough to actually cure them.. and make it stay that way for good.
To try to put in perspective... Someone has cancer and is in remission. They are cured! But they don't say they are cured... they say they have been in remission for x amount of time. That there is no sign of cancer in their body. But it can come back. They are not cured for good with a 100% chance of living a healthy life. It simply means that for a certain amount of time, they are cancer free. Like depression... they have been depression free for a certain amount of time.. but it can come back.
There is nothing I can do
There is nothing I can do to not feel afraid. As long as depression exists in this world, I will be afraid. and I hate every god damn second of it. I go in-between hating myself for being afraid (because I am focusing on me, not the person who is depressed) and doing the "Woe is me" (Why can't I be carefree like my friends? Why do I have to constantly have to have this cloud over me that I have no control over). and I hate all of it. It makes me feel stupid for feeling this way. But I do.. and its time I admitted it.
This may also explain why I am such an introvert. Why going out is such a chore and hassle for me. Confused? Okay.. so I spend so much of my day worrying and being scared of things that are not physically in front of me and that I have no control over. and it is fucking exhausting. So then having to go out and be around people and pretend that I don't feel this way.. well that's even more exhausting. Therefore, I usually opt to stay at home every second I can and lose myself in books and video games because that is the only time I do not feel afraid (sleep doesn't work either because I've been blessed at a very young age to have nightmares all the time). I can escape and pretend I live in these worlds that I am reading about. Or why I focus so much on school and work.. its a distraction that I control. So to my neglected friends and family - I am sorry. Its not really a valid excuse.. but maybe that helps explain a little bit when I only stay for a few hours and then say I need to go home or a break from hanging out.
This blog is extremely personal and was really hard for me to write. I decided to do it early to just get it out of the way. This may not make sense to a lot of you.. but it'd be nice to know that I am not alone. Or if I am.. well fuck it, that just means I'm crazy too (or according to Jack Sparrow, I can't actually be crazy because crazy people do not admit they are crazy, and I admit I'm crazy.. so I can't be crazy. Isnt that crazy?)
As usual, a little preliminary disclaimer.
This post is primarily geared towards suicidal depression. While I am talking about how it effects me, please keep in mind that I am in NO WAY trying to belittle or take away how hard it is to suffer from suicidal depression. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to live that way. So please remember the point of this blog and that I have the upmost respect for anyone struggling with suicide.
This is also something that up until extremely recently, I had not shared with anyone. I confessed to my boyfriend the fear I live in everyday a few weeks ago, and that was the first time I had uttered the words "I am afraid" outloud. So this is very new and still very raw even though I have been living this way for quite a few years now. Let's begin before I change my mind on writing about this so soon.
I am Afraid
Every second of every day I am afraid. Afraid of losing a loved one to suicide and not being able to do a god damn thing to stop it. Ever since my first experience with an attempt, I have been this way. At that time, I hated myself for missing the signs or just completely overlooking them as "how that person just is". Now I am constantly aware and searching for signs, from the smallest sideways comment to straight out asking them if they have thought about it or attempted recently. I don't want to be so naïve again.
My first thought when I wake up is to check my cell phone to make sure I didn't miss a text from a loved one asking for help or to talk them out of suicide (like I have done countless times before). Or a missed call from someone else saying so and so was at this hospital, or that it was too late. It is my last thought before I go to bed, wondering if I should reach out and check on them. While I'm at work, on a date, with friends.. it is my most constant, unwelcomed companion. I could be having a great time, and then suddenly I feel my stomach drop and I am reminded that at any moment, I could lose a loved one. Its ALWAYS there. Maybe not at the forefront of my thoughts, but lingering in the back of my mind.
My least favorite thing in the world is a phone call. No, not for the reason everyone else claims they hate phone calls ("I don't like talking on the phone for blah blah blah reason"). I don't mind talking on the phone. It's the part that my phone is ringing that I hate. Why? A text is safe, a facebook message is safe.. because any decent human being would not deliver awful news in that way. They call you. It may seem silly to those who haven't been there, but when my phone rings.. my first thought is "I wonder which mental hospital I will be visiting this time" or "dear god, did they finally actually do it". Seems irrational right? But when you've been scarred like I have, your mind jumps to the worst. There is one person in particular that when I see their name on my caller id, I know it must be bad. Because they have been the one to deliver the bad news every time.
I can remember a time when I got a call from this person (mind you, it was an innocent call about getting movie passes).. but I had to pull over before I answered because my heart was beating so fast and I felt like I was going to pass out. Once I hung up, even though the call was innocent, I stayed on the side of the road and cried for about 10 minutes. No idea why. It was just overwhelming I guess to relive those same emotions.
It never goes away
People can overcome depression and thoughts of suicide, but there is always that chance that they fall back in the spiral of hell. For that reason exactly, I never stop worrying. I am never not afraid anymore. The person can be deemed fully cured, off of medicine, and doing completely fine.. and I will still worry. Because what if something happens? What is something snaps and they commit suicide without ever having a chance to try to get help again?
During the most peaceful and happiest times for my struggling depressed, it is still all I think about. It is not that I do not believe they can overcome it... I believe and hope everyday they can... but that is not enough to actually cure them.. and make it stay that way for good.
To try to put in perspective... Someone has cancer and is in remission. They are cured! But they don't say they are cured... they say they have been in remission for x amount of time. That there is no sign of cancer in their body. But it can come back. They are not cured for good with a 100% chance of living a healthy life. It simply means that for a certain amount of time, they are cancer free. Like depression... they have been depression free for a certain amount of time.. but it can come back.
There is nothing I can do
There is nothing I can do to not feel afraid. As long as depression exists in this world, I will be afraid. and I hate every god damn second of it. I go in-between hating myself for being afraid (because I am focusing on me, not the person who is depressed) and doing the "Woe is me" (Why can't I be carefree like my friends? Why do I have to constantly have to have this cloud over me that I have no control over). and I hate all of it. It makes me feel stupid for feeling this way. But I do.. and its time I admitted it.
This may also explain why I am such an introvert. Why going out is such a chore and hassle for me. Confused? Okay.. so I spend so much of my day worrying and being scared of things that are not physically in front of me and that I have no control over. and it is fucking exhausting. So then having to go out and be around people and pretend that I don't feel this way.. well that's even more exhausting. Therefore, I usually opt to stay at home every second I can and lose myself in books and video games because that is the only time I do not feel afraid (sleep doesn't work either because I've been blessed at a very young age to have nightmares all the time). I can escape and pretend I live in these worlds that I am reading about. Or why I focus so much on school and work.. its a distraction that I control. So to my neglected friends and family - I am sorry. Its not really a valid excuse.. but maybe that helps explain a little bit when I only stay for a few hours and then say I need to go home or a break from hanging out.
This blog is extremely personal and was really hard for me to write. I decided to do it early to just get it out of the way. This may not make sense to a lot of you.. but it'd be nice to know that I am not alone. Or if I am.. well fuck it, that just means I'm crazy too (or according to Jack Sparrow, I can't actually be crazy because crazy people do not admit they are crazy, and I admit I'm crazy.. so I can't be crazy. Isnt that crazy?)
Sunday, July 13, 2014
A Message to the non-depressed
I was not expecting to write another blog to quickly.. but after the reaction I got on the last one.. I want too. So I am!
I did a message to the depressed.. now its time for a message to the undepressed. Basically.. how we fuck up. every day. all the time. As always... take with an open mind. PLEASE feel free to comment and share. I eventually want to get to a point where this blog can be an open, nonjudgement zone for both sides of depression to communicate. That would be awesome.
SO FIRST.
We are Selfish
Yup. We are. I know we are, you know we are, so lets just say it. This whole blog, in a sense, is me being selfish. It's a fancy sugar-coated way of me going "PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND ALL MY FEEEEEELS". And that's okay. Everyone is entitled to be selfish in some aspect.
Here's how we are selfish. As a person suffering with depression... your brain is basically a big cluster fuck caused by a tornado of negative emotions and self doubt. And yet.. you are able to get up every day, go to work, pay the bills, take care of your children, and fake a smile. That itself deserves an Olympic gold medal. Yet.. the undepressed still want more. We want you to take into consideration how your overwhelming sadness affects us and try to help us understand/help you. I realize that my last blog contradicts this. But its true. Both sides have a point.
On top of all this, if your depression also includes suicide.. the only reason you are still walking and talking is mostly because of the people around you. If you didn't think that ending your life would hurt those around you, you would have done it a long time ago. And I understand that, please don't think I don't recognize the amount of strength it takes to do what you do. So to my non-depressed... keep that in my mind. You are selfish too. Its not necessarily unjustified.. we are just as, if not more, selfish than our depressed counterparts. They unselfishly continue to live in a state of constant sadness for us because they know we need them.
We kind of suck a lot of the time
As mentioned in the previous blog, we really have no idea what we are doing. Therefore, we make a lot of mistakes along the way. This includes saying the wrong things. For instance..
-"But you have so much going for you! You have your family, house, etc etc etc word vomit and more word vomit"
Yeah. They may have all that. But that doesn't change a god damn thing about how they feel. And pointing that out will probably only make them feel worse because then they will also feel guilty about being depressed. That's like telling a cancer patient, "but you cant die! you have so much going for you" - "Oh alright.. Let me just turn this off and be completely healthy!". The world doesn't work that way. It's not a choice.
-"Just get over it! You have to choose to be happy to be happy"
Biggest load of shit ever. For us non-depressed.. it may work. I know I can adjust my mood pretty easily. If I'm having a bad day, I can go 'Okay.. just put a smile on and pretend its a good day'. And it normally works. This is not how it works for the depressed. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. No one wants to be depressed. Why would they? It's awful. So we need to stop saying this right now.
We really don't understand.
We sometimes pretend that we understand what you are going through. But that's all a big fat lie. We don't. And we need to stop pretending we do. It doesn't help anyone. It is hell enough being depressed, but trying to explain what it is like being depressed is extremely frustrating (I can imagine). So instead of trying to understand what it is like to be depressed, we should focus on how we can help the person who is depressed. That seems a lot more logical doesn't it?
Don't Lie
We lie just as much as a our depressed loved ones. We lie to your face about how we feel and what we think. In my last post, I asked the depressed folks to not do that. And now I'm asking myself and everyone else too. I started this blog for that purpose exactly. Could saying outright "yeah that fucking hurts" cause more heart ache and fighting initially? Absolutely. But in the long run, honesty is always better.
How is it helpful when I have someone look me in the eye and tell they want to off themselves and I don't react? They need to know we care, even if said caring leads to us being hurt. They deserve to know the truth if they are letting us in. It's not a one way street. If they open up to you, you better open up to them.
There is plenty more I could write about how we fuck up. But this is just a quick over view before I go to work. Hopefully those who reacted badly to my last blog will now see that I am fully aware its us as well.
First step to getting better is admitting your own faults. So lets all agree that we mess up all the time. and help each other move foward
I did a message to the depressed.. now its time for a message to the undepressed. Basically.. how we fuck up. every day. all the time. As always... take with an open mind. PLEASE feel free to comment and share. I eventually want to get to a point where this blog can be an open, nonjudgement zone for both sides of depression to communicate. That would be awesome.
SO FIRST.
We are Selfish
Yup. We are. I know we are, you know we are, so lets just say it. This whole blog, in a sense, is me being selfish. It's a fancy sugar-coated way of me going "PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND ALL MY FEEEEEELS". And that's okay. Everyone is entitled to be selfish in some aspect.
Here's how we are selfish. As a person suffering with depression... your brain is basically a big cluster fuck caused by a tornado of negative emotions and self doubt. And yet.. you are able to get up every day, go to work, pay the bills, take care of your children, and fake a smile. That itself deserves an Olympic gold medal. Yet.. the undepressed still want more. We want you to take into consideration how your overwhelming sadness affects us and try to help us understand/help you. I realize that my last blog contradicts this. But its true. Both sides have a point.
On top of all this, if your depression also includes suicide.. the only reason you are still walking and talking is mostly because of the people around you. If you didn't think that ending your life would hurt those around you, you would have done it a long time ago. And I understand that, please don't think I don't recognize the amount of strength it takes to do what you do. So to my non-depressed... keep that in my mind. You are selfish too. Its not necessarily unjustified.. we are just as, if not more, selfish than our depressed counterparts. They unselfishly continue to live in a state of constant sadness for us because they know we need them.
We kind of suck a lot of the time
As mentioned in the previous blog, we really have no idea what we are doing. Therefore, we make a lot of mistakes along the way. This includes saying the wrong things. For instance..
-"But you have so much going for you! You have your family, house, etc etc etc word vomit and more word vomit"
Yeah. They may have all that. But that doesn't change a god damn thing about how they feel. And pointing that out will probably only make them feel worse because then they will also feel guilty about being depressed. That's like telling a cancer patient, "but you cant die! you have so much going for you" - "Oh alright.. Let me just turn this off and be completely healthy!". The world doesn't work that way. It's not a choice.
-"Just get over it! You have to choose to be happy to be happy"
Biggest load of shit ever. For us non-depressed.. it may work. I know I can adjust my mood pretty easily. If I'm having a bad day, I can go 'Okay.. just put a smile on and pretend its a good day'. And it normally works. This is not how it works for the depressed. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. No one wants to be depressed. Why would they? It's awful. So we need to stop saying this right now.
We really don't understand.
We sometimes pretend that we understand what you are going through. But that's all a big fat lie. We don't. And we need to stop pretending we do. It doesn't help anyone. It is hell enough being depressed, but trying to explain what it is like being depressed is extremely frustrating (I can imagine). So instead of trying to understand what it is like to be depressed, we should focus on how we can help the person who is depressed. That seems a lot more logical doesn't it?
Don't Lie
We lie just as much as a our depressed loved ones. We lie to your face about how we feel and what we think. In my last post, I asked the depressed folks to not do that. And now I'm asking myself and everyone else too. I started this blog for that purpose exactly. Could saying outright "yeah that fucking hurts" cause more heart ache and fighting initially? Absolutely. But in the long run, honesty is always better.
How is it helpful when I have someone look me in the eye and tell they want to off themselves and I don't react? They need to know we care, even if said caring leads to us being hurt. They deserve to know the truth if they are letting us in. It's not a one way street. If they open up to you, you better open up to them.
There is plenty more I could write about how we fuck up. But this is just a quick over view before I go to work. Hopefully those who reacted badly to my last blog will now see that I am fully aware its us as well.
First step to getting better is admitting your own faults. So lets all agree that we mess up all the time. and help each other move foward
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Message to the Depressed
I figured I would start my first real post as a message to people suffering from depression. As always, please take with an open mind. If I ever seem to be belittling depression, please know that is not my intention. This post is about the other side.. so I am obviously going to focus more on what I feel.
So lets begin by saying the one thing I have always had trouble saying. okay.. here we go..
You are Selfish
There. I said it. Now let me explain before I get a bunch of hate comments. I am fully aware that a diagnosis of depression is basically saying that you are forced to be selfish. To quote a good friend of mine (who has been on both sides of depression), "The problem with depression is that it is entirely self-centered. It's hard to see outside of the haze of hell in your own head to realize that your actions and outbursts affect other people". And I think that sums it up nicely.
As your faithful companions, we UNDERSTAND why you are selfish and that most of the time, it is completely unintentional and you are not aware of it. That does not change the fact that it fucking hurts. For me, I try my damndest to put myself in your shoes and not take it personally. As with most things, that is a lot easier said than done.
My unqualified advice? You have NO IDEA how much of a difference it makes if you simply ask how we are. And let us answer. Let us talk about our problems without throwing the "Yeah well, at least you don't have this, that and other thing!" and basically belittle our problems simply because we do not suffer from depression. Hell... I definitely do not suffer from depression but my laundry list of problems and heartaches deserves attention when I need to vent. Every once in a while.. give us a chance to talk or even just talk about something else besides your struggle with depression. I swear to you it feels like a vacation every time.
Moving on..
Be Patient with us
We are expected to patient and understanding with you, and I feel we deserve the same back. I promise we are trying our HARDEST to do what we can for you. The honest truth though? We have no idea what we are doing. We do not know the right thing to say or do.. do we push to make you open up more or take a step back and let you have your space? We are not experts or doctors.. we are your friend, family, lover, teammate, whatever it may be. So if we say the wrong thing or miss something important - please try to keep in mind that it is not intentional and never personal.
Similarly, my least favorite snide remark from my depressed loved ones - "You just don't understand what I'm going through". Yeah no fucking shit Sherlock. I have no idea. Why? BECAUSE I'M NOT DEPRESSED! Do I know what sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, even despair feel like? Damn right I do. Do I know what it is like to live in a constant state of all those at once? Nope. No idea. Not the slightest clue. Yet you are holding that against me? I can empathize and logically think it through to try to imagine what you are going through and I know how this can be frustrating to you. But its not our fault. Nor is it yours. So how about we meet in the middle? Let's be patient with each other. Help us help you. We are not mind-readers and may need a nudge in the right direction to being the support you need.
"Fine, I won't come to you anymore if its too much of a burden"
Every time I hear a variation of this, I want to take the nearest sharp object and shove it through my heart so I can physically show you how much this KILLS me. This is part of the reason for my vow of silence. Whenever we try to bring up how your depression hurts us, you retreat or get angry. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut (up until now).
Just because we express that something hurts us, doesn't mean we want you to stop coming to us. I know that I am extremely happy that so many of my loved ones confide in me and feel comfortable showing me their darkest moments. I never want that to end as long as they are still battling this bitch known as depression. Especially when handling the suicidal aspect of this, my body goes into full panic mode when someone retreats. Because god forbid anything happens, I will feel like I could have helped but wasn't allowed to because I opened my big, fat stupid mouth.
See the dilemma? I want to be there for you, always, at every second. But I am also a human being with feelings and when a loved one talks about offing themselves - well I'm going to be affected. Please don't take that as I don't want to hear it - I do (that sounds messed up, but if it helps you.. I want to hear it). Just sometimes, I might need a minute to collect myself so I can look you in the eye and be the soldier you need me to be. This goes back to the top part - if we want to tell you how it makes us feel, please let us and not feel like you can't come to us. We listen to you to the best of our ability.. try to do the same to us. If it hurts you, we don't mean to.. just like you don't mean to hurt us.
Maybe this is me being selfish in thinking this way. But this is my reality.
To recap - Be patient. Try to see our point of view sometimes. and NEVER close yourself off from us to try to save us any heart ache because trust me.. you are only creating more.
To end on a brighter note.. This is my cat Mia all up in my grill while I tried to write this post. She was demanding attention and seeing as I'm a crazy cat lady, I will probably periodically share photos of my three furry children.
So lets begin by saying the one thing I have always had trouble saying. okay.. here we go..
You are Selfish
There. I said it. Now let me explain before I get a bunch of hate comments. I am fully aware that a diagnosis of depression is basically saying that you are forced to be selfish. To quote a good friend of mine (who has been on both sides of depression), "The problem with depression is that it is entirely self-centered. It's hard to see outside of the haze of hell in your own head to realize that your actions and outbursts affect other people". And I think that sums it up nicely.
As your faithful companions, we UNDERSTAND why you are selfish and that most of the time, it is completely unintentional and you are not aware of it. That does not change the fact that it fucking hurts. For me, I try my damndest to put myself in your shoes and not take it personally. As with most things, that is a lot easier said than done.
My unqualified advice? You have NO IDEA how much of a difference it makes if you simply ask how we are. And let us answer. Let us talk about our problems without throwing the "Yeah well, at least you don't have this, that and other thing!" and basically belittle our problems simply because we do not suffer from depression. Hell... I definitely do not suffer from depression but my laundry list of problems and heartaches deserves attention when I need to vent. Every once in a while.. give us a chance to talk or even just talk about something else besides your struggle with depression. I swear to you it feels like a vacation every time.
Moving on..
Be Patient with us
We are expected to patient and understanding with you, and I feel we deserve the same back. I promise we are trying our HARDEST to do what we can for you. The honest truth though? We have no idea what we are doing. We do not know the right thing to say or do.. do we push to make you open up more or take a step back and let you have your space? We are not experts or doctors.. we are your friend, family, lover, teammate, whatever it may be. So if we say the wrong thing or miss something important - please try to keep in mind that it is not intentional and never personal.
Similarly, my least favorite snide remark from my depressed loved ones - "You just don't understand what I'm going through". Yeah no fucking shit Sherlock. I have no idea. Why? BECAUSE I'M NOT DEPRESSED! Do I know what sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, even despair feel like? Damn right I do. Do I know what it is like to live in a constant state of all those at once? Nope. No idea. Not the slightest clue. Yet you are holding that against me? I can empathize and logically think it through to try to imagine what you are going through and I know how this can be frustrating to you. But its not our fault. Nor is it yours. So how about we meet in the middle? Let's be patient with each other. Help us help you. We are not mind-readers and may need a nudge in the right direction to being the support you need.
"Fine, I won't come to you anymore if its too much of a burden"
Every time I hear a variation of this, I want to take the nearest sharp object and shove it through my heart so I can physically show you how much this KILLS me. This is part of the reason for my vow of silence. Whenever we try to bring up how your depression hurts us, you retreat or get angry. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut (up until now).
Just because we express that something hurts us, doesn't mean we want you to stop coming to us. I know that I am extremely happy that so many of my loved ones confide in me and feel comfortable showing me their darkest moments. I never want that to end as long as they are still battling this bitch known as depression. Especially when handling the suicidal aspect of this, my body goes into full panic mode when someone retreats. Because god forbid anything happens, I will feel like I could have helped but wasn't allowed to because I opened my big, fat stupid mouth.
See the dilemma? I want to be there for you, always, at every second. But I am also a human being with feelings and when a loved one talks about offing themselves - well I'm going to be affected. Please don't take that as I don't want to hear it - I do (that sounds messed up, but if it helps you.. I want to hear it). Just sometimes, I might need a minute to collect myself so I can look you in the eye and be the soldier you need me to be. This goes back to the top part - if we want to tell you how it makes us feel, please let us and not feel like you can't come to us. We listen to you to the best of our ability.. try to do the same to us. If it hurts you, we don't mean to.. just like you don't mean to hurt us.
Maybe this is me being selfish in thinking this way. But this is my reality.
To recap - Be patient. Try to see our point of view sometimes. and NEVER close yourself off from us to try to save us any heart ache because trust me.. you are only creating more.
To end on a brighter note.. This is my cat Mia all up in my grill while I tried to write this post. She was demanding attention and seeing as I'm a crazy cat lady, I will probably periodically share photos of my three furry children.
An Introduction I suppose..
Welcome everyone to my first blog ever created!
Lets begin with a quote that may help explain the reason for the title "A Treasured Pearl"
As most of you know, this blog is about living alongside depression. No, not living WITH depression, but alongside it. Living with people who suffer from depression and the struggles that we, as the constant companion, deal with every day as a result of someone else living with depression. Get it?
Lets begin with a quote that may help explain the reason for the title "A Treasured Pearl"
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
Stephan Hoeller
As most of you know, this blog is about living alongside depression. No, not living WITH depression, but alongside it. Living with people who suffer from depression and the struggles that we, as the constant companion, deal with every day as a result of someone else living with depression. Get it?
So.. a few things.
1) This blog is first and foremost, selfishly for me. For as long as I can remember I have lived in virtual silence with my daily struggles on this issue. I have tremendous trouble talking about this face to face, even with my most trusted friends (the reasons behind this to be discussed in a later blog). And I had a realization - I'm sick of it. I have tried diaries, online private journals, and have had enough conversations with my windshield that you could consider it my best friend and none of it helps. I have figured out why.. I don't want to just talk about it - I want to be HEARD. I want people to know what I (and assumingly others like me) go through. But seeing as I can't say it out loud.. I am going to hide behind a computer screen. I am by no means an expert or "qualified" to give any real knowledge on the matter. I am speaking from life experience and what I feel.
2) If this does happen to help anyone out.. GREAT! That is splendid!
3) Similarly, there are many things I will say on here that may cut a little deep (especially for those in my life who suffer from depression).. so I am sorry. Others may not agree, may think I'm selfish or just a downright terrible human being. And that's okay. You don't have to agree with me. Everyone is different - meaning we feel different things and view the world differently. Please try to take it with an open mind. It will NEVER be a personal jab or post directed towards anyone (nor will I ever mention specific names, so don't bother asking me about who is depressed in my life).
4) SOOO. Comments and messages (are those a thing on blogs? I'm such a noob) are more than welcome. Friends and family, feel free to talk about anything I write with me. Don't be shy. Constructive criticism is awesome. If you have questions about particular or broad things, ask them! If you view something differently, share it! But if you are going to be an ignorant, nimble headed jerk-face.. go away. If you do not believe in depression as a "real thing".. stop reading now and never come back.
5) I am not a poet, nor an author. I write how I speak. And I happen to have the mouth of a sailor. Swear words will mostly creep in a lot. You have been warned.
Last but not least 6) As mentioned.. this is my first blog. I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. I just want to write. Please be patient with the constant changing of how the page looks as I get more accustomed to this format. I also have a tendency to ramble so most of my posts will be long and inevitably, sometimes hard to follow.
Now for those who don't know me.. I guess I should introduce myself.
Hello Internet world - My name is Alycia. I am 24 years old, a college student studying Research Psychology, a work-o-holic, crazy cat lady in training and I have been surrounded by people suffering with depression my entire life. This includes family, friends, and significant others. The depression ranges from situational, to chronic, to suicidal.. and everything in between. I have done a lot of research on depression but I am by no means an expert. It is a rarity to find a site that talks about what the people surrounding those with depression go through (besides how they can help the depressed individual).. so I decided to create my own.
I truly hope that anyone that has ever felt alone due to this issue finds this blog and can get the piece of mind I've been searching for in realizing they are actually not alone.
I hope you enjoy my posts to come and once again, be patient with me. Its my first time.
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