Hello world. I'm writing this from my phone so expect a lot of typos and the set up might be weird.
Per usual.. Read with an open mind and remember what this blog is about. Also.. There will a lot of contradictions in this post so bare with me.
Let's begin.
Emotions
I believe that people such as myself have a different view of emotions and a weird type of control over them. We view the emotions of our depressed loved ones differently than the rest of the world. But I am going to focus on my emotions, and assumingly other people like me (maybe?)
So first a whee bit about myself, or how I view myself at least. I am a pretty content person. Most people who know me would probably say I'm consistently in a state of being calm and level headed (unless I work with you, then you probably see me as either happy or pissed. But that's work). It takes a lot to really piss me off (again, unless I'm at work) and I can brush most things off my shoulder.
Some people could go as far as to call me cold, and I wouldn't disagree. I am both very empathetic and cold.. If that makes sense. I can be unsympathetic about some things that I deem irrelevant, but I try my hardest to understand that it is a big deal to that person. I can also come off as distant and in my own little world. But that is basically a defense mechanism for me when I have shit going on and I'm trying to work it out in my own head.
Moving on.
Control
I would say I have a pretty strong control over my emotions. For example.. Not too long ago I was having a serious text conversation with someone about how they basically wanted to kill themselves or at least stop existing. And what was I doing? Buying cat liter at Walmart. Some may view this as me not caring if I could walk around a store while this was going on. But that's not it. I was dying inside.. But life has to continue. My cats needed liter.
And people like me can do that. We can be talking someone down from suicide one minute, and the next be seemingly perfectly fine walking into work or laughing at movie. I like to call it a switch. I have a switch that I just turn off so I can function in society and not have people ask me what's wrong. Because 99% of the time.. I don't want to talk about it (see Vow of Silence for explanation).
At the same time.. Little things can set me off. I can remain strong then.. But heaven forbid someone says something with a shitty attitude towards me and I bust out in tears. I believe that so much of my emotional control is spent when I'm dealing with a serious issue that it can make me completely unstable during normal situations. And that can confuse people...
Cold
I always worry that my lack of response during serious times can make the other person think I'm cold or do not care. But thats not the case.. It's just what I have to do to cope. I don't want to break down and cry in front of you because then I can't help you. The focus gets turned to me and that's not what needs to happen. Or after a serious talk, when I turn on a comedy and am able to laugh and seemingly brush off whatever just happened. Again.. Not what really happens. I need a distraction. I turn that switch off and clear my head until I'm ready to deal with it. Till I am alone and can fall apart.
I hate admitting this but I can't even count how many times I've broken down and just cried. Usually in the bathroom or in my car. I scream, I hit things, and I just sob. Like ugly, face disgusting sob. And then something magical happens. My mind just says "okay. Time to stop. Back to normal" and you know what happens? I just stop. And my mood goes back to normal. This is something I will never understand and that has always fascinated me.
So you see. My emotions are a complicated thing.. As emotions normally are. But there is a reason behind the madness and I felt like the other side deserved an explanation for some of my, and maybe others, actions.
Also.. Sorry if this post seems meaningless or confusing. I'm limited on time but wanted to write something about this. I may delve into this more later.
